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Saturday, 21 October 2017

Lemon to lemonade

Saya rasa saya adelah orang yang paling kerap tukar kerja dalam kalangan kawan dan taulan.

2011, penghujung 2012, awal 2015, dan hujung 2017.
4 kerja dalam masa 7 tahun.

Bukan memilih sangat.
Kerja pertama tukar sebab syif malam. Nak tukar jadi siang.
Kerja kedua sebab peribadi. Jiwa kacau. Nak sangat balik kerja dekat kampung konon.
Kerja ketiga ni? Walaupun hampir cecah 3 tahun bertahan. Tapi beralih jugak bila dapat tawaran kerja baru. Sebab paling cliche. Demi kestabilan masa depan.
Harap harap kerja keempat ni tahan la at least 5 tahun ke atas la.

Tadi baru lepas baca iium confession.

Macam krik krik kejap.

Saya fikir saya dah lepas fasa fasa genting kot. Tapi masih ada rasa ketakpastian masa depan.

Tapi takpe sebab sekarang, dah ada hala tuju. At least at the moment.
Urusan rumah hampir selesai, tinggal nak buat payment sahaja.
Urusan lain lain tu tak mampu nak fikir buat masa ni. Pelan pelan kayuh la. Penat. Setahun ni banyak gilalah urusan rasmi.

Khamis haritu sorang kawan lama yang tak contact sejak tahun lepas, tiba tiba mesej balik.
Bila tanya apasal. Dapat reply : dah taknak kawan aku ke.

Saya cuma mampu ignore saja soalan tu.
Sebab dalam hati ni nak cakap bnda yang boleh rosakkan friendship hampir 10 tahun dalam sekelip mata.

Tapi tak adil kalau saya letakkan dia dalam kedudukan tu. Bukan salah dia.

Kemudian saya update semua perkembangan saya dalam masa setahun. Catching up.

Setel. Orang dah tanya, kita jawab jela. Buatnya orang dah taknak amik tahu. Jangan merungut pulak nanti.

Kan.

Monday, 2 October 2017

Why?

Cause I have changed.

Cause you have changed.

All of us.

It is that simple.

Friday, 29 September 2017

Night shift. Again.

Kerja pertama yang saya dapat lepas grad, kerja di shif malam, untuk US region.

Lepas tu, semu kerja yang saya mohon dan pergi interview, saya clarified with interviewers, no shift please.at all.

Despite all my cautionary actions, i still ended up here. At 2.08am supporting US team during quarter end.

Sitting here in front of my pc where nobody else i know outside these walls are awake. 
Except for the ones that is still in IBM CMR team.

I have mixed feeling doing these. Good and bad experience.

Saya suka rasa ni. No crowds. The world feels empty, in a good way.

Kita cenderung untuk amik masa muhasabah diri, fikir masa lalu, masa sekarang, masa depan.

Termenung, berfikir dan berangan pada masa yang sama.


Tuesday, 5 September 2017

Life lesson

It might seems idealistic but having the same level of maturity when having an argument help us understand the other party's point of view.

Hard, yes, if not, I wouldn't deem it as idealistic in the first sentence.

When both are mature enough, we are willing to at least try to listen to others, making ourselves available to options and open to a new world of possibility.

But then, we can't and/or won't have this EVERYTIME. That would be selfish,no?

What I was trying to say is, what if we are unfortunate enough to have to deal with someone who has less willingness to compromise? Or maybe even refuse to listen to reason?

What if the other party's IQ level is lower? No common sense? (Haha)

Or just plain selfish?

Honestly, I am the type that always wanted to listen what do people have to say.

But, if I don't, it means I have already given up. On making any effort.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

My Precious

Satu daripada kucing saya masih dalam kategori anak kucing,

Badan kecik, mata amik hampir separuh ruang kepala, macam tu.

This particular one, suka just stares at people passing by.

Saya bagitahu Nani, itu agak creepy. Macam 'my precious'.

Nani confused, 'my precious'?

Saya lupa istilah gollum.

Rupanya Nani dan mak saya tak pernah tengok Lord of the Ring. Not their kind of movies.

Oh takpe. Saya pun tak. Saya cuma tengok filem tu secara marathon masa saya di tahun kedua di UKM  sebab my ex-boyfriend at that time had the entire series of movies and wanted me to watch it so we could be a fan together. I agreed on a condition that he should watch Harry Potter as well. (I had a feeling he never actually hold up his end of bargain)

Since saya pun macam tak boleh nak terangkan apa itu gollum, the most sensible thing for me to do is search 'gollum' dalam youtube, pick the one that mostly shows apa itu 'gollum' and why its creepy to have one in the house.

What else?

Saturday, 26 August 2017

Thursday, 24 August 2017

random food choice

Kenapa burger fast food mesti ayam/patty/fillet+mayonis+kobis?

Is it supposed to be healty or something?

I found it very disgusting to eat.

But hey, its your money.

Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Werk werk werk werk werk derk.

Saya baru perasan saya tak pernah betul betul share pasal apa aktiviti saya untuk dapat duit hari hari.

Kerja, ok? Kerja.

Damn. Sebut kerja pun sebenarnya dah stress. What the hel.

#positivevibes
#tamparkarang

Apparently, nak letak # dalam excel untuk remove function ctrl+f adelah tidak boleh.

Ayat apa ni sarah hoi.

Saya dengan rakan sekerja tengah usahakan documentation untuk mudahkan kerja sehari hari kami.

Bertahun tahun rupanya takda proper work instruction. Ingatkan tertanam di mana mana. Rupanya, haram..!

Jadi saya dengan kawan kawan nak buat something yang lebih tech savvy. I mean. Kamon.

Ctrl+f? So last yearrrrr..!

Sekali lagi, #tamparkarang.

Kerja ketiga saya ni saya dah almost 3 tahun. Saya start bekerja sejurus selepas habis internship program, september 2011. Sampai harini (di samping 'cuti tanpa gaji' buat beberapa bulan)

Its a good year. Rumah hampir berjaya.. Alhamdulillah.

Allah janji rezeki.

Thursday, 17 August 2017

Melancoli-a

It feels  like it is wrong, but i know it is not. I have faith that things happen for a reason.

I am supposed to be here at this moment, feeling this ache in my heart.

To learn more about my capability as a strong person.

I have faith that everything will work out just as it should be.

I am sure i have never share my deepest honest dream in any of my relationships.

Who I want to be as a person.

And I think I know now why.

Honestly?

No one ever asked.

Friday, 14 July 2017

Mood : Jurang mariana

sekali lagi terjaga early morning. Very early for a working day.

Tapi saya terjaga sebab saya baru mimpi benda paling best sekali dalam dunia.

Kemudian terjaga dan sedar yang mimpi tu takkan jadi kenyataan. Sebab situasi.

Perasaan tersedar tu macam wake up call yang sangat melemahkan semangat. Macam terjatuh ke lubang paling dalam. Menyebabkan ketakstabilan emosi dan kesudahannya stress. Jadah apa kan.

Rest assured it was not about the past, it was the future i will never have.

Unless, kun fayakun. InsyaAllah.

Memandangkan dah terjaga ni,bangun terus lah buat slide untuk meetig dengan director tengah hari nanti. Macam orang penting je kan? Haha!


Sunday, 9 July 2017

personal review : the secret life of walter mitty

The Secret life of walter mitty

I went to the cinema with someone (cant recall who) and he/they picked to watch this.

Its a ben stiller's so naturally for me to think its a romcom. And boy was i wrong.

It started with walter (obviously) 's boring routine life. And his company was acquired. 

Slowly people were let go and he knew he was going to be next. He tried avoiding the 'dick' that was hired to fire people. Irony. But it doesn't work. See,the company is going to operate online so most of the departments were shut down. Opss i forgot to mention, it was LIFE magazine publication company. So imagine more than half of them were let go.

The day the staffs were informed of the acquisition,Walter's negative assets deparment received the last roll of negative from their freelance photographer, Sean o'connell. 

With that package he sent a note :Number 25 is my best ever. The quintessence of life, i think. I trust you'll get it where it needs to go, you always do.

But they (the negative assets department) couldnt find it. 

And he found out that it was supposed to be the last cover of LIFE. Bc you know, now with digital world taking over human kind sort of thing.

The photographer then sent telegram to the director - i expect full consideration of negative 25 for cover. My most grand, the quintessence of life.

Now thats a problem. 

Walter first thought obviously tracking down sean's whereabouts. 

And when he couldn't, he searched for clues in the negatives itself. From number 24 and 26. He was thinking maybe 24 & 26 were taken around the same time and if luck have it, place.

He also tried to hv some helps from his crush, coz the girl was working in accounting dept - tracking the payment address of sean.

With all that happening in his life, a memento from his dad (a journal for world touring) gave him the ideas of tracking sean himself. Hoping that that piece was still with the guy.

Clues from photo : erkigsnek
Places he went : greenland, iceland,yemen, afganistan

The whole film was about walter going on all these 'adventures' he was only able to dream of, before. 

Soundtrack : Space Oddity by David Bowie.  very cool song. I downloded the song as soon as I left the cinema. 

Ending : The negative was cut off. It was in the wallet that Sean gave to Walter as a gift all these time. It was a picture of walter looking through a bunch of negatives in front of LIFE's building. Apparently, after 16 years of working alongside Walter, Sean regards Walter as the most important sidekick in LIFE. The only one who was always able to bring his photos 'into LIFE'. Double or triple meaning there. 


P/S: i really really really appreciate these kinds of movies. They dont do these as much these days. But i wasnt sure that my friend/s enjoyed this as much as i did. 




Saturday, 1 July 2017

What now.

Something strange happened today.

I feel happy. Different kind of happy.

The kind that I haven't been experiencing for a while. Geddit?

Friday, 23 June 2017

When u woke up early because of the dreams

Does it mean anything? Deepest desire? Give me strengh, Allah. I believe You Are the Most Merciful.


Dulu masa saya kecik, saya ingat bila saya dah besar, saya akan jadi lebih happy. Buat keputusan sendiri. Having options and enjoying all the decision making. But I did not.

Dulu masa saya bujang, saya ingat bila saya dah kawin, saya akan jadi lebih content. Ada partner in crime. Making and baking for two. Building family and life together at the same time. But I did not.

Sekarang saya dah bujang balik pun. Saya ingat saya akan jadi lebih bebas. Dalam hidup. Tapi dari segi apa?

There is something missing here. Will I forever be discontent? This void feeling, this hole inside thing... What is that X?

Saya cuba sesungguh hati untuk jadi insan yang bersyukur, tapi kenapa macam masih kurang sesuatu?

Saya doa pada Allah tunjukkan. Buka hati saya untuk nampak apa yang saya masih buta.

Apa tu? Moga moga saya dapat temui X tu sebelum terlambat. amin ya rabbal alamin.




Saturday, 3 June 2017

Pengalaman horror

Kepada yang ikhlas bertanya, how are you, are you ok.

Biar saya gambarkan dengan perincian.

Erm. Perlambangan dengan hati atau jantung adalah tak relevan sebab mana pernah manusia hand over hati secara literal kepada manusia lain. Kecuali penyucian hati Muhammad oleh malaikat. Itu lain. LAIN. Titik.


Ok, mungkin lebih mudah menggunakan contoh tangan. Senang dan simple.

Sapa yang tak pernah menghulurkan tangan. Hatta sekadar bersalaman dengan orang tua, atau lain lain sebab.

Bayangkan sekarang anda menghulurkan tangan kepada 'your significant other'.

Obviously, anda menghulurkan tangan anda dengan penuh rasa percaya dengan harapan tangan anda disambut dengan kasih sayang. Kata 'significant other'. Maunya tak sayang.

Tapi.

Tangan anda ditepis dengan kasar. Tulang belulang jari anda digenggam kuat sehingga retak. Kuku anda dikepil keluar untuk menampakkan daging di bawah yang kemudiannya diselar dengan hirisan kecik dan menusuk ibarat papercut. Tak cukup dengan itu, tangan anda dihempas ke lantai dan dipijak menghancurkan sisa tulang yang belum lunyai.

Lepas tu?

Walaupun ada doktor yang nak merawat, refleks anda akan menepis mengaduh kesakitan.

Ambik masa nak basuh, letak iodin, letak ubat, letak plaster bagai. Sanggup aja dibiarkan sepi tanpa perawatan. Mungkin.

Selepas beberapa ketika? Parut.

Lapisan kulit yang mengganti lebih tebal daripada asal.

Walau seribu kali pun maaf diucap, that wont change the fact that I already have a scar. In my heart.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

So random.

One's ability to disguise hipocrisy as diplomacy is ignorance. So, is it really a bliss?

When time and time again one has been reminded of?

Jujur, saya mengaku saya seorang 'fighter'. Tapi 'berjuang' 24/7 itu lelah.

Once in a very longgg while, i feel like quitting. But what will happen to my 999 previous efforts already taken when i quit at 1000th attempt? I heard Edison succeeded after thousands of attempts.

so, when do you actually stop and tawakal?

The whole concept of usaha, doa and tawakal was a bit unclear to me because i was and am inexperience (I want to believe that).

And then it struck. I knew then that I could. Stop.

Keeping the faith. Always.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Feeling sentimental

It is interesting how people keep telling me, it was not my fault. I need not to blame myself for the things that happened. Funny, cause I never did.

I believe I did my best.

I believe that eventhough I could redo this all again, I would still choose the same thing.

I believe that this is what was written for me.

I believe that I was and am a very strong-will person who do things after thinking about the consequences rationally.

But I also believe that not one person in this life of mine, would sacrifice their needs againts mine.

Kita semua manusia tamak. Mahukan so-called happiness untuk diri sendiri dan keluarga.

How can I blame anyone for that?

Sebab saya pun.

And then, a very close friend of mine asked me, how did I do it?

I was caught offguard and unsure of how should I respond. Should I be honest? Should I be vague?

Knowing this friend for 10 years or so, that warrants a careful answer. I asked her the reason for the question.

Just to be clear, I might have made it looks easy, but it was far from easy.

It was heart-breaking and over-whelming. I cried a lot more than when my father passed away. And I loved my father so much. But marriage for me is sacret. 2 hearts and souls that were supposed to be bonded by invisible chains of compassion and understanding and mutual agreements. But then it was obviously not. At least not in my case.

Whatever happens, I will not want any of my family or friends to go through what I have been going through.

This is something I will always pray for. InsyaAllah.

Saturday, 8 April 2017

Why what happened?

What happened was i fell for real life gaston. Again.

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

happy is when i see your face changes color. bam! what?!

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Terapi penulisan

Saat terdengar khabar tu melalui telipon, perkataan pertama saya, Alhamdulillah.

Mungkin berkat doa orang teraniaya, Allah makbulkan doa saya supaya dimudahkan urusan.

Mudah sangat sangat. Sekejap aja.

Mungkin jugak berkat doa nama yang disebut sebut setiap kali. kesenangan. sarah.

Lepas beberapa jam, baru emosi semua datang.


Marah. Kecewa. Sedih. Tapi. dalam banyak banyak tu, perasaan menyesal tak ada. langsung.

Bak kata seorang kawan yang selalu jadi kaunselor saya, saya tak menyesal saya tak buat salah. Cuma pesalah aja yang menyesal dengan apa yang dia dah buat.


Allah tahu apa yang saya buat. Allah tahu apa yang diorang buat. Allah tahu apa yang dia tak buat.


Tanggungjawab. Hak.


Para lelaki. sebelum kawin, tolong lah. khatam dulu ilmu ni.


Fikir balik apa tujuan kawin.


Bukan setakat susah senang bersama.


Nafkah ada 5 yang wajib.

Makan dua kali kenyang sehari semalam.
Sepersalinan menutup aurat.
Tempat tinggal yang isteri redhai.
Ubat ubatan sekiranya sakit.
Barang keperluan untuk kebersihan diri. Macam sabun. atau pun mekap kalau isteri buat untuk suami.


Itu nafkah fizikal aja. Yang selain itu?


Mengembirakan hati isteri pun nafkah jugak, bang.


Kalau rasa nak suruh isteri layan kau umpama raja, jangan mintak isteri kerja untuk tanggung sama bil api air, boleh?



Kalau nak isteri respek kau, kau respek perasaan dia,boleh?


Kalau nak isteri bermanis muka setiap masa, jangan naikkan darah isteri dengan ayat sindiran kau, boleh?


Yang ini paling simple.


Kalau nak beristeri, jadi lelaki sikit, boleh?


Bukan duduk bawah ketiak bapak mintak handphone Samsung terbaru.

Bukan kipas bontot mak, mintak pinjam kereta sebab jimat minyak kereta sendiri.

Bukan catat segala arahan kakak, sedangkan kehendak isteri tak diendah.

Bukan ignore isteri berhari hari, setiap kali bergaduh.


Fikir balik.


Dia takkan balas. Sebab dia nak belajar terima ketentuan. Allah pinjamkan kau kejap aja dekat dia.


Tapi Allah akan. Kun fayakun.



Ini aja luahan yang saya mampu. semua yang terpendam takdapat dilontarkan kepada orang yang sepatutnya. Tapi saya tak boleh terus pendam. takut gila pulak nanti. hahaha.

Monday, 16 January 2017

Saya bukan jenis orang yang menyesal. Dalam apa juga yabg saya buat. Sebab confidence level tinggi? aha. Biasa biasa aja.


Cuma mungkin sebab pakcik nasir selalu percaya saya dalam membuat keputusan sendiri. Kalau beliau tidak setuju dengan saya, beliau akan tanya saya, apa yang saya nak. dan kenapa.

Beliau bukan seorang ayah yang diktator. Beliau seorang ayah yang susah nak di-handle. (haha). Semua benda pun di-maharaja lawak-kan.

Beliau ada kurang. tapi saya sebagai seorang anak, saya selalu buang jauh jauh apa yang saya nampak atau dengar.


Sebab saya tahu, beliau berusaha yang terbaik.


Sebab tu, saya menjadi seorang yang sangat berdikari. sejak kecik, saya selalu mahu beliau bangga dengan saya.


Saya tak menyesal. Dengan semua yang saya buat. Lagipun, apapun, bagaimanapun, benda dah jadi. Menyesal pun tak boleh rewind balik kot kan.


Tapi, ada satu masa Disember 2016, di depan yang arif, saya terdetik di kepala, how did i get here?


Tapi tak ada air mata. Cuma terpikir aja.


Mat saleh kata, cause i love more.

i will always be the one who loves more. who put efforts more.



that way, when its over, there will be no regret.


Allah turunkan ujian untuk Dia hapuskan dosa kita yang lepas lepas. Belajarlah redha, Sarah Nur.