Thursday, 17 August 2017


It feels  like it is wrong, but i know it is not. I have faith that things happen for a reason.

I am supposed to be here at this moment, feeling this ache in my heart.

To learn more about my capability as a strong person.

I have faith that everything will work out just as it should be.

I am sure i have never share my deepest honest dream in any of my relationships.

Who I want to be as a person.

And I think I know now why.


No one ever asked.

Friday, 14 July 2017

Mood : Jurang mariana

sekali lagi terjaga early morning. Very early for a working day.

Tapi saya terjaga sebab saya baru mimpi benda paling best sekali dalam dunia.

Kemudian terjaga dan sedar yang mimpi tu takkan jadi kenyataan. Sebab situasi.

Perasaan tersedar tu macam wake up call yang sangat melemahkan semangat. Macam terjatuh ke lubang paling dalam. Menyebabkan ketakstabilan emosi dan kesudahannya stress. Jadah apa kan.

Rest assured it was not about the past, it was the future i will never have.

Unless, kun fayakun. InsyaAllah.

Memandangkan dah terjaga ni,bangun terus lah buat slide untuk meetig dengan director tengah hari nanti. Macam orang penting je kan? Haha!

Sunday, 9 July 2017

personal review : the secret life of walter mitty

The Secret life of walter mitty

I went to the cinema with someone (cant recall who) and he/they picked to watch this.

Its a ben stiller's so naturally for me to think its a romcom. And boy was i wrong.

It started with walter (obviously) 's boring routine life. And his company was acquired. 

Slowly people were let go and he knew he was going to be next. He tried avoiding the 'dick' that was hired to fire people. Irony. But it doesn't work. See,the company is going to operate online so most of the departments were shut down. Opss i forgot to mention, it was LIFE magazine publication company. So imagine more than half of them were let go.

The day the staffs were informed of the acquisition,Walter's negative assets deparment received the last roll of negative from their freelance photographer, Sean o'connell. 

With that package he sent a note :Number 25 is my best ever. The quintessence of life, i think. I trust you'll get it where it needs to go, you always do.

But they (the negative assets department) couldnt find it. 

And he found out that it was supposed to be the last cover of LIFE. Bc you know, now with digital world taking over human kind sort of thing.

The photographer then sent telegram to the director - i expect full consideration of negative 25 for cover. My most grand, the quintessence of life.

Now thats a problem. 

Walter first thought obviously tracking down sean's whereabouts. 

And when he couldn't, he searched for clues in the negatives itself. From number 24 and 26. He was thinking maybe 24 & 26 were taken around the same time and if luck have it, place.

He also tried to hv some helps from his crush, coz the girl was working in accounting dept - tracking the payment address of sean.

With all that happening in his life, a memento from his dad (a journal for world touring) gave him the ideas of tracking sean himself. Hoping that that piece was still with the guy.

Clues from photo : erkigsnek
Places he went : greenland, iceland,yemen, afganistan

The whole film was about walter going on all these 'adventures' he was only able to dream of, before. 

Soundtrack : Space Oddity by David Bowie.  very cool song. I downloded the song as soon as I left the cinema. 

Ending : The negative was cut off. It was in the wallet that Sean gave to Walter as a gift all these time. It was a picture of walter looking through a bunch of negatives in front of LIFE's building. Apparently, after 16 years of working alongside Walter, Sean regards Walter as the most important sidekick in LIFE. The only one who was always able to bring his photos 'into LIFE'. Double or triple meaning there. 

P/S: i really really really appreciate these kinds of movies. They dont do these as much these days. But i wasnt sure that my friend/s enjoyed this as much as i did. 

Saturday, 1 July 2017

What now.

Something strange happened today.

I feel happy. Different kind of happy.

The kind that I haven't been experiencing for a while. Geddit?

Friday, 23 June 2017

When u woke up early because of the dreams

Does it mean anything? Deepest desire? Give me strengh, Allah. I believe You Are the Most Merciful.

Dulu masa saya kecik, saya ingat bila saya dah besar, saya akan jadi lebih happy. Buat keputusan sendiri. Having options and enjoying all the decision making. But I did not.

Dulu masa saya bujang, saya ingat bila saya dah kawin, saya akan jadi lebih content. Ada partner in crime. Making and baking for two. Building family and life together at the same time. But I did not.

Sekarang saya dah bujang balik pun. Saya ingat saya akan jadi lebih bebas. Dalam hidup. Tapi dari segi apa?

There is something missing here. Will I forever be discontent? This void feeling, this hole inside thing... What is that X?

Saya cuba sesungguh hati untuk jadi insan yang bersyukur, tapi kenapa macam masih kurang sesuatu?

Saya doa pada Allah tunjukkan. Buka hati saya untuk nampak apa yang saya masih buta.

Apa tu? Moga moga saya dapat temui X tu sebelum terlambat. amin ya rabbal alamin.

Saturday, 3 June 2017

Pengalaman horror

Kepada yang ikhlas bertanya, how are you, are you ok.

Biar saya gambarkan dengan perincian.

Erm. Perlambangan dengan hati atau jantung adalah tak relevan sebab mana pernah manusia hand over hati secara literal kepada manusia lain. Kecuali penyucian hati Muhammad oleh malaikat. Itu lain. LAIN. Titik.

Ok, mungkin lebih mudah menggunakan contoh tangan. Senang dan simple.

Sapa yang tak pernah menghulurkan tangan. Hatta sekadar bersalaman dengan orang tua, atau lain lain sebab.

Bayangkan sekarang anda menghulurkan tangan kepada 'your significant other'.

Obviously, anda menghulurkan tangan anda dengan penuh rasa percaya dengan harapan tangan anda disambut dengan kasih sayang. Kata 'significant other'. Maunya tak sayang.


Tangan anda ditepis dengan kasar. Tulang belulang jari anda digenggam kuat sehingga retak. Kuku anda dikepil keluar untuk menampakkan daging di bawah yang kemudiannya diselar dengan hirisan kecik dan menusuk ibarat papercut. Tak cukup dengan itu, tangan anda dihempas ke lantai dan dipijak menghancurkan sisa tulang yang belum lunyai.

Lepas tu?

Walaupun ada doktor yang nak merawat, refleks anda akan menepis mengaduh kesakitan.

Ambik masa nak basuh, letak iodin, letak ubat, letak plaster bagai. Sanggup aja dibiarkan sepi tanpa perawatan. Mungkin.

Selepas beberapa ketika? Parut.

Lapisan kulit yang mengganti lebih tebal daripada asal.

Walau seribu kali pun maaf diucap, that wont change the fact that I already have a scar. In my heart.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

So random.

One's ability to disguise hipocrisy as diplomacy is ignorance. So, is it really a bliss?

When time and time again one has been reminded of?

Jujur, saya mengaku saya seorang 'fighter'. Tapi 'berjuang' 24/7 itu lelah.

Once in a very longgg while, i feel like quitting. But what will happen to my 999 previous efforts already taken when i quit at 1000th attempt? I heard Edison succeeded after thousands of attempts.

so, when do you actually stop and tawakal?

The whole concept of usaha, doa and tawakal was a bit unclear to me because i was and am inexperience (I want to believe that).

And then it struck. I knew then that I could. Stop.

Keeping the faith. Always.